The tumble dryer portal

A ritual to banish harmful magic or to make unwanted things disappear.

Before you perform the opening of the portal, you should meditate on “The Paperclip Thing” for a few days or weeks and familiarize yourself with this matter.

Warning Ritual can (and will) damage the tumble dryer.

I think it is quite possible that over time man has built certain things that are meant to fulfill one purpose but are hidden and secretly do other strange things.

If the load of the dryer is correctly arranged, the weight and temperature are correct, the rotation is aligned with the phases of the moon (the relevant literature has the following to say about this: The waxing moon helps with everything that needs to grow and flourish, the waning moon helps with everything that needs to diminish. Laundry is best cleaned on days when the moon is waning. On Capricorn days, dry-cleaning laundry is unfavorable) and the relative humidity of the contents is within limits, then hopefully the portal will open into the dimension into which all socks will inevitably disappear at some point (perhaps only their condition will change).

The magician wears Bermuda shorts for this purpose.

Draw a spell circle around the dryer. This can be a simple circle or a circle with a pentagram or if you like a pentagon (Eristic Aneristic would be worth considering). If you like, decorate the circle with runes of protection or symbols that you associate with protection or absorption or draw a FNORD. This portal that we want to create should probably absorb energies or transfer certain objects or energies into a new state. To be on the safe side, you should draw a triangle around the circle because this is supposed to symbolize the forces inherent in the Bermuda Triangle (and whole ship and plane loads of socks disappear there). Candles on the dryer would be wonderful and give the whole thing an appropriate mood (I would recommend black but red should also do the trick). Incense is also not to be despised, as it naturally helps to banish energies (the relevant literature recommends sage for this: Incense is an excellent cleansing agent for rooms and aura, sage wards off negative influences, invigorates, clears and strengthens). You can also decorate (or smear) the dryer. You can use all kinds of spirals to indicate the function of the dryer as a portal, but you should decide for yourself what suits you best (and you will). But you should draw a triangle on the door and if you want you can also draw a spiral in it.

I have the following considerations so far….

What else disappears in the dryer apart from socks? Liquid.

First possibility: So you convert what you want to make disappear into liquid. Since that doesn't always work, you could perhaps symbolically bind this thing to water. Or we charge the water with a spell that burdens us or with negative energy or or or. A sock is then dipped into this water because socks are naturally suitable for such things. So it would be quite possible to use some bath water if it is a person you want to get rid of or you take your own bath water if you want to make an illness disappear (but in this case there are enough other body fluids that are suitable to be added to the water). If for some reason you also want to energize the water negatively, you can do this by continuously insulting it and exposing it to loud, aggressive music. However, I don't see any major benefit to opening the portal. The most obvious way would be to use water from the Bermuda Triangle (Bermuda water). As this is quite difficult to obtain, it would be a good idea to at least charge the water with a little Bermuda energy.

second option: The harmful something is tied directly to the sock. Similar to a voddoo doll, the sock is connected to this something. This can be achieved by stuffing personal items into the sock or working them into the sock. For example, hair from the really annoying raccoon that terrorizes the cats and empties the garbage cans. It is certainly helpful if you reinforce the bond by saying “I hereby bind the essence of the raccoon to this sock” (although you should refrain from stuffing the entire raccoon into the sock for animal welfare reasons).

After careful consideration, I came to the conclusion that method one is only suitable for reinforcing method 2.

Oh yes, and salt … we also need salt to keep things clean. And it generally helps with all kinds of cleaning and dissolves well in water for method one.

Go into a trance and forget the laws of physics and everything you think you know about this world and the universe. Loud music (perhaps Looser by Beck) and wild dancing or jumping around should help you to reach the right state for the opening. Start laughing and feel the madness you are about to perform. Continue to increase your laughter until you are truly laughing maniacally. Now you are ready. We now fill the dryer with the sock and the usual reagents. Small change, paper clips, stones, ectoplasm, unicorns, purple dragons etc (ask the universe status indicator). Lighters and pens should not be missing either, as they also have the ability to disappear from time to time (we should refrain from the account number or even the bank card for obvious reasons, even if the money in the account likes to disappear from time to time). The best way to do this is to prepare several bowls of the reagents and then haphazardly throw a handful of these and two of these into the opening of the dryer. Act like a mad scientist on the verge of his biggest breakthrough. Also, a sacrifice to the goddess proves to be quite appropriate. This may consist of some Acapulco gold or perhaps a bottle of raki. As well as all sorts of other eris-pleasing trinkets. As you can see, this is going to be quite a mess. Finally, we put a single key in the dryer. This is to symbolize the opening of the gate and has no other practical use (although keys also have a tendency to disappear from time to time). Then we recite a formula that I don't yet know how it works. But it could sound exactly like this. I, child of her greatness Eris, invoke the states of the universe and request from her exceedingly gracious greatmess (this is a misspelling and should actually read greatness) Eris the transformation of this simple device into a portal to the otherworldly spheres and the opening of this portal. I humbly request this. So accept my humble sacrifice and implore you to help me in this endeavor (to show your humility towards her you should perhaps kneel or crawl around on the floor - this always goes down well with the gods).

Set the portal to the highest speed and the highest temperature. More is always better! Now close the door and seal it e.g. with a strong chain (just to be on the safe side, we don't want anything coming in from the other side). In the meantime, say a prayer to the goddess or, if you like, to Yog-Sothoth (you madman).

And now strike the rune with the inscription ON. Even if nothing else disappears, at least a lot of time has disappeared when you perform the rite, but be warned. If you decide that you want to open the portal in public, there is a good chance that you too could disappear for a very long time. This is probably due to the Ju Ju (although this ritual is probably much more spectacular to watch in public).

When the portal has been opened and the apparatus is ready, you remove the chain, open the door, remove the remaining condensate, burn it, sieve the ashes, fill them into a container marked with the triangle and bury everything in a deserted place on the night of a new moon. No one is allowed to see you doing this and if you have done this, it is best to forget the place again. These are my thoughts on the subject.

Take a sock and stuff all kinds of filling material into it. Don't forget to stuff in personal items of the something or someone that the sock puppet is supposed to symbolize. Now knot or sew the sock puppet. If you feel like it, sew on a few buttons as eyes or perhaps you would like to stick a few branches into it as limbs. This is all ok and the more similar the sock puppet is to the object of influence, the better the spell will work later.

You can also dress it and paint it, but remember that the sock puppet should disappear, so don't get too attached to it or you'll be sad when it's gone.

The doll is now finished.

Now we should customize the sock puppet. To do this, go into a meditative, concentrated state (you should know how to do this). Now make the sock puppet realize once and for all who or what it is. You might do this by jumping around wildly, poking it with your finger and shouting “you, you, you … you're a racoon”. However, you may also find a more suitable technique.

If you are not in possession of water from the Bermuda Triangle and do not happen to have a stone that comes from there and with which you could energize commercially available water (although you should probably be able to get hold of it quite easily), I will now explain how you can charge water with Bermuda energy. However, this is just a ridiculous copy of the real Bermuda water and it will contain nowhere near its power.

What's the saying? If the mountain does not come to the prophet, the prophet must go to the mountain. With this in mind, I posited that surely the easiest way to charge water with Bermuda energy is to build a model of the Bermuda Triangle for home use. And we do this as follows. We take a map of the triangle region (Gulf of Mexico) and draw the triangle on it. The map and the triangle should be large enough to comfortably hold a bowl of water. We now place this bowl in the triangle. So far so good, now we have water and the triangle. Let's add some sea salt to make the whole thing more authentic. And now we place a small crystal pyramid at the bottom of the bowl and align it properly to the east (if a compass is still working at this point). So now we have the region of the Gulf of Mexico, the seawater it contains and a funny crystal pyramid at the bottom of the sea - and all of this in our own home. All we have to do now is give the water time to energize itself. The rule of thumb here is: the longer I leave the water standing, the more I charge it. A little sunlight can sometimes be quite helpful - after all, we have a tropical body of water at home, albeit a very small one. In conclusion, anything that suggests to the water that it is in the Bermuda Triangle can and should be used for energizing (probably no real ship or plane wrecks will fit in the bowl, but models should work). As already mentioned, this form of Bermuda water is nowhere near as strong as the real thing and should only be used if you don't have real Bermuda water available.

Your Bermuda water is now ready. Cheers! Bild