Welcome to Night Vale

[Bwana Honolulu]

Hatte ich ja vor einiger Zeit schon mal empfohlen:

Wenn übrigens mal jemand Lust auf einen Podcast in Form einer ganz normalen bizarren Radiosendung hat, kann ich Welcome to Night Vale nur empfehlen.

Und auf tumblr gab es auch mal den Ansatz einer erisischen Version davon. Auf jeden Fall hatte ich die Tage eine Folge gehört, die einfach zu geil hier reinpasst. Eigentlich war's nur die Lesung der Protokolle der Lehrerkonferenz des Night Vale Community College, aber... Hier ein paar Protokollpunkte:

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Item 2: Roll Call

Mr. White conducted a roll call; the following were present:

• Dr. Sarah Sultan, President of the college
• Joshua White, Executive Assistant to the President
• Dr. Robert Hernandez, Vice President of Finance, Administration, and Forbidden Numbers
• Dr. Stephen Mills, Provost, Vice President of Academic Affairs
• An unnamed green cabinet that shakes and whistles, Vice President of Student Affairs
• Dr. Henrietta Bell, Dean of Arts and Sciences
• Dr. Chandra Mabassa, Dean of Allied Health and Nursing
• Dr. Michael Galleti, Dean of Science, Technology, Technology With Finger Quotes, and Mathematics
• Dr. Vidor Szabo, Associate Professor of Humanities
• Dr. Allie Laredo, Associate Professor of Inhumanities
• Dr. Ibrahim al-Anizi, Associate Professor of Political Science
• Dr. James Crawford-Rothwell, Associate Professor of Alternate History
• Dr. Alen Stein, Associate Professor of False Biology
• Dr. Tamara Hertzwell, Associate Professor of Approved Sciences
• Dr. June Richter, Associate Professor of Nursing
• Dr. Mohini Buqar, Assistant Professor of Secret English
• Professor Jaime Escondo, whose job title is classified – but who also carries a bag of magic teeth. So it’s possible he’s simply granting his own wishes, and does not actually work here
• Dr. Chelsea Dubinski, Assistant Professor of Chemistry
• Dr. Stephen Rosenberg, Assistant Professor of Business and Accounting
• Professor Mary Ann Gwozdecke, Assistant Professor of Computer and Fire Sciences
• Professor Julie Levine, Adjunct Professor of Future French
• Professor Incarnita Piel, Adjunct Professor of Weird Spanish
• Mr. Terrance Long, Head of Library Prevention and Security

Item 7: New Course Proposals for Fall 2015

1. Humanities 375 – Hegel’s Philosophy in Context, taught by Dr. Szabo
2. Computer Science 180 – FORTRAN Programming and Flame Resistance, taught by Professor Gwozdecke
3. Bio 351 – Human Cloning and You and You, taught by Dr. Stone
4. Tech 220 – Bloodstone Installation and Repair, taught by Professor Mzzzzrrnnnnwrrrnnnnn
5. History 311 – History of Post-War Germany, taught by Dr. Brown
6. Alternative History 311 – History of Underwater Germany, taught by Dr. Crawford-Rothwell
7. Music 208 – Murder Ballads, taught by Professor Norman
8. Unassigned Course – Oh God! Oh God, Why? Oh Dear God in Heaven, No! taught by Professor Escondo and some pliers
9. Psych 150 – Peyote Psychology, taught by a wolf with six faces
10. Business 215 – Laughing at Nonprofit Organizations, taught by Dr. Rosenberg.
11. Econ 213 – Hatred, taught by Dr. Laredo

Item 11: Presentation Titled “First Look at Rebranding Efforts”

Presenter: Pamela Kingsworth

Summary: Ms. Kingsworth hastily set up a computer and attached projector, which were retrieved from the original meeting room at no small risk to life and sanity. She unveiled concepts for a new logo and slogans, developed in meetings with a marketing firm. The logo is a black and white but shockingly graphic woodcut of an ethnically diverse group of students devouring the entrails of a wild boar. Behind them is a map of the world with dozens of countries X’d out.

Slogan 1 reads: “There’s no excuse for not getting a quality education. You should feel ashamed, and so should your ancestors.”
Slogan 2 reads: “Find yourself here, with no memory of the previous week.”
Slogan 3 reads: “Ketamine hydrochloride.”

If the slogans are approved by the faculty, the college community will vote on them at the next open campus meeting, to be held on Monday, February 23rd.

Discussion: Dr. Long began vomiting and shuddering uncontrollably near the end of Ms. Kingsworth’s presentation, although this was found to be unrelated.

Dr. Szabo remarked on the exceptional artistry of the logo, and insisted on taking a picture with his mobile phone on behalf of Professor Galen in the Art Department, who was unable to attend today’s meeting. The phone produced a small cloud of foul-smelling crystals from its camera lens, and then imploded.

Dr. Bell questioned whether the reference to “ancestors” in Slogan 1 was culturally insensitive. Ms. Kingsworth assured the faculty that the advertising firm understood the importance of diversity to the college community, and the inclusivity of the slogans as well as their market impact had been thoroughly researched.

Drs. Crawford-Rothwell and Szabo debated the issue. No conclusion was reached, although Ms. Kingsworth agreed to raise the issue with the firm as the process continued.

Dr. Bell asked Ms. Kingsworth for the name of the advertising firm the college is consulting. Ms. Kingsworth was silent for seven full minutes, and then proceeded to giggle for the remainder of the meeting.

Dr. Szabo distributed ballots for approval or disapproval of the slogans. Additional copies will be mailed to each department to be filled out by faculty members who were unable to attend today’s meeting. No one will actually mail them – it will just happen, quietly, while no one is looking.

The ballots should be completed and returned to the Office of College Relations, where they will be discarded unread.

Action Items: Complete and return slogan approval ballot
Person responsible: All faculty

[Bwana Honolulu]

Ach sehr schön ist folgende Bekanntmachung aus Episode 28, Summer Reading Program:

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The Freemasons have announced some changes to their hierarchy. These changes are the following:

Whereas before the Freemasons were under the authority of the Stonemasons Worldwide, they will now be an independent subsidiary of the Hallowed Mason Council, which itself will be split into four branches, corresponding with the four directions we glance when nervous. The Hallowed Mason Council will also provide guidance and financial support to the Retail Masons, the Wholesale Masons, and the Discount Masons — except in cases involving inter-Masonry disputes, which will, as before, be subject to the Small Brotherhood of the Large Chamber, the Large Brotherhood of the Small Chamber, or the Properly-Fitted Brotherhood, depending on patterns discerned in bones, cast by a fully licensed member of the Masonic Drone Legion, or one of their proxies.

Now, of course, the Masons will continue their proud fraternal associations with the Illuminati. However, the Illuminati will itself be splitting into ten distinct factions as follows: Red, Green, Eagle, Faction Four, the Real Illuminati, the Other Real Illuminati, Red Again, Alpha, Windhind, and Hungry Man Brand Frozen Foods Officially-Sponsored Illuminati.

This split will be overseen by the Council of Three, which will be supported by the Council of Five, and monitored by the Council of Zero. Elections for the Council of Zero will be held never and will result in nothing.

Discretionary funds for the Illuminati and Freemason Alliance Committee will be funneled through a number of secret bank accounts, their numbers known to no one and their secrets kept forever.

All of this is in accordance with the General Secret Agreement of the General Secret Alliance of the General Secret Community, representing all brotherhoods and organizations obscure and hidden, including the Harpoon League, the Flying Cape, the Six Ancient Truths, and the Dental Underground.

The Freemasons would also like to remind you that none of this may be known to you, and that they are only telling you this to demonstrate your fragile mind, which barely parsed the words as they were spoken, and have already forgotten the secrets contained just moments later. You will never know anything, and you will not even know that.